Wanting more, I stand in awe when they call me too much 

Too much or too little

always my titles 

WANTING

Is one of many mistakes I’ve made and when I think of unbearable I think of fear and when fear appears it comes in waves 

Of nausea and regret and potential memories 

memories’ potential and the Dow jones average of estimates on what percentage of this coming year will I fill with it all 

Ratios

potential memories halted

memories’ potential to haunt impossible

to eliminate the one too many 

feelings

that ache like danger

And I’ve never understood the reason

for math

And risk versus reward was always a non question of mine until I saw it from the other side of now 

from the thaumatrope future spinning off on some Baal’s whim

I see unclearly in the distance the last stretch of a bad trip, all those potential haunts based on my own brain and if that is not fear then I don’t know any of these words like I once convinced  myself I did 

Out of use

out of time

out of patience in the effort of trying to understand the over~evaluations and the crossed off lists of WANTING and the invented answers to why me ? go in and out of focus like the tired windshield wiper blades trying their hardest inside my brain to take away that which is too much or maybe

 it’s that I’ve been too little all along 

Kindness empathy love compassion connection belief trust hope WANTING meaning…  meaningles

crossed off the to~do list with finality

While human torture chamber syntaxes haunt me and memories threaten to and every new word spoken is the threat of a memory in infancy growing only to invade me unexpectedly as I step onto the red earth under skies I thought I knew. Once. 

What words will torment me nightly in the days I haven’t seen? and when has WANTING ever gotten me anywhere 

But here…

is where I decide what potential memories I can dispense before they poison my dreams and what ones just might be worth the pain 

Then